My, Myself and I

by Queen Bee on 03/18/2013

Sometimes being an independent woman really sucks. Or an independent person, regardless of gender. Today is one of those days where I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself that I generally have had no one to depend on throughout my life besides me, myself and I. But as I type that, deep down in my heart I sort of know that it’s not entirely true because I do have a few close friends who would be there for me at the drop of the dime if I really needed them.

I am currently going through the process of moving out of my house and into my boyfriend’s house. It’s a pretty stressful process, packing up and moving to an entirely different city from where I was born, raised and have lived my entire life. For some reason as I am packing up and moving, I have been thinking about the last time that I moved there 15 years ago and how I did it all alone, even when I begged people for assistance. Now I’m back in the same situation-begging people for help, in fact, I have even been begging people to let me pay them to help me. But apparently no one wants to help.

I’m used to being independent and doing things on my own, but this weekend I’ve been feeling super grouchy that I have a few relationships that seem to be lopsided. I know that there are a few people in my life that I give more to than they return to me. And I know that I shouldn’t give to or do nice things for people just so that I can get something back in return, but lately it just really irks me that I am there for certain people when they need me but they just disappear when I need them.

I have one friend who seems to be able to get a hold of me when she wants to ask to borrow money from me or for me to do her a favor. In the past it never really bothered me because she always paid me back, but after the last two years of constantly loaning her money and not being able to get a hold of her, it’s starting to get old. I have another friend who texts me all day, calls me whenever she needs me, tells me that she will help, and then just doesn’t show up when I need her or doesn’t answer calls when I need to get a hold of her. That’s getting pretty old too.

I’m having a hard time with all of the change in my life lately. It’s hard enough moving, but I’m also moving to a city about 45 minutes away (30 on a traffic free day) from the city where I have lived all of my life and where my family and friends live. And in addition to moving, I’m trying to get pregnant and am moving in for the first time with my boyfriend. It’s super stressful! And then lately it seems that some of my long standing friends and I are starting to part ways and grow apart. It really sucks!

I rarely ask for help for anyone, but I mentioned how stressed out that I was about moving to a friend lately. She reassured me not to worry, that she was going to help me with everything….for ten dollars an hour that is! But I figured that I needed help, and so I offered her ten dollars an hour. Every time that she was supposed to work, she never showed up. When I questioned her, she obnoxiously explained how busy that she is with her life. She doesn’t even have a job by the way, and is a trophy wife. It just really irks me when people offer assistance and fail to follow through. Don’t bother even offering, damn it!

This weekend I just sucked it up and tried to pack and paint on my own, which resulted in a huge painting disaster and I had to ask my boyfriend for assistance. I’m pretty tired and burned out, but I’m used to doing stuff on my own and I’m going to work my butt off for the next two weeks to get everything ready so that I can be out of the house in time for the renter who is moving in. I can do this! But I am still irritated that people who I constantly help just failed to follow through on helping me.

Sometimes I am tired of always depending on myself. But in the long run it has made me who I am today and I am proud of not really having to depend on someone. But I know that soon I am going to need to make some drastic changes in some of my relationships with certain people, and I need to minimize my time spent with people who constantly take from my bucket and rarely replenish it. That’s going to be a big change and stress for me too, but I will take it like a champ!

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

beri March 19, 2013 at 3:22 am

i am really surprised how similar our weekends were ….. I was sad because i have done sooo much alone most of my life….raising my son alone….never finding a great guy to depend on…..my family is forcing me to take care of my mom alone….my son told me that i have basically have not been a good mother…..my mother was screaming at me most of the week end….my friidge broke, i had a huge leak under my house and i didn’t have a sink or a dishwasher for 3 weeks due to the broken plumbing…..i was soo tired of having to tread along w/ my chin up even though i was always alone…staying all alone in the library with my books until closing when i was in college….being abandoned by the boys that i loved….but today is a better day….i still have to be independent but my mom promised me that she is going to stop yelling at me….and i finally got to make dinner with a new fridge and dishwasher and sink…(i got a great deal at best buy…18 mos w/ no interest)….i wish i could have helped you this week end….but i was involved in my own pity party….i am trying to be funny here…!

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