My Crazy Mommy Dearest

by Queen Bee on 02/11/2013

I’m not scared of much in life, but I am scared shitless of my mother. Every year that I turn one year closer to 40, I hope that my fear of her will subside. But it never does. I’m afraid that she is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

It’s not easy being raised by what I would consider to be a mentally ill mother. I just wish that I could put a label on her mental illness so that I could understand it and feel better about it. I’m tired of being a grown ass woman who is still subjected to verbal and emotional abuse by the one person in life who is supposed to love me the most.

Mommy dearest started her latest tirade against me last week when she found out that I was dating my boyfriend. Well, let’s just say that she found out again that I have been dating the same guy guy that I have been dating for the past sixteen years. I told her that I was dating him over ten years ago and she flipped out and disowned me, so I have hid it from her all these years-until she found out about it by accident last Friday.

Years ago my boyfriend made a few mistakes in his life and went to jail over it. Fifteen years ago the police showed up at my mom’s house with a search warrant and took her computer. At the time I was ashamed to admit to her that I knew that he had been on parole, and I told her that it was a shock to me. Years later we got back together and I told my mom, but she became so verbally abusive that I stopped talking about him. I think she must have assumed that she bullied me out of being with him.

For the past year I have been wondering how I should go about telling my mother that I am in a happy relationship with my boyfriend and that we are going to be taking the next step to live with one another and have children. I have been dragging my feet, not moving out of of the house and not moving forward in my relationship. I’ve had to take so much crap from her in my life that I just couldn’t stand to start a new war against me.

Lately I have been talking with my friends a lot about when and how I should approach the topic with my mother that I am moving in with my boyfriend and will one day have children. Friends and relatives have urged me to hold off on telling her until I am already pregnant, so that she can yell, scream and abuse me and then quickly get over it. Finally, two weeks ago I decided that I would write her an email and hide from the wrath.

Luckily last week fate intervened for me and she found out that I am dating my boyfriend when she went over to my house and saw that my bathroom and kitchen were being rehabbed. She yelled and screamed at the workers, accusing them of stealing stuff from my house. One of the workers told her that he was working for my boyfriend and that I had approved the rehab. And that, my friends, is when the shit royally hit the fan.

The moment that I learned that she found out about my secret, I emailed her. I explained that I have been meaning to tell her but have never found the right time, and that I wasn’t looking for her opinion or comments but that I am tired of hiding the truth from her. I apologized that she had to find out in such a way, and admitted that I will be moving in with him and have a child soon.

It would be an understatement to say that she flipped out. She went crazy. She sent me tons of verbally abusive phone messages where she called me every name in the book, cursed, screamed and sounded like she was losing control of herself. She sent me ten mean emails a day about how horrible I am, how horrible I have always been, and what a piece of shit that I am. In true form, she reminded me that I am not my little golden child brother and that my father left her 33 years ago because of me.

For a whole week I tried to reason with her that a mother shouldn’t talk to her daughter in such an abusive way. I don’t know why I even bothered, because doing so turned her into more of a victim and gave her more ammunition to criticize and rant about every little thing that she could think of about me. Finally I had enough and just stopped responding, and it seems that she is starting to back off.

The truth is that I really hate my mother. Over the years there have been long periods of time when I don’t talk to her, ranging from one and a half years to six months. The last time that I cut her off, I didn’t speak to her for nine months. And then my family told me that she is ill and had been in the hospital, so I started talking to her again. I hate every minute of talking to her, but I’m not so sure that I would be able to live with myself if she died while I wasn’t in contact with her.

My life is always better when I am not in contact with her and don’t have her around. I don’t have to listen to her go crazy and bitch about everything that I do. I don’t have to listen to her tell me that I am selfish, or insensitive, or stupid, or any other rude remark that she wants to make about me. When I’m not speaking to her, I hardly even think about her.

The older that I get and the closer that I get to having my own children, it perplexes me as to how a woman could be so abusive towards her only daughter. I have never been able to figure out why she resents me and hates me so much, although I suspect it is because she blames me for my father leaving and that I am a constant reminder of what she never was able to accomplish. I am tired of being a punching bag though and I’m not going to tolerate it any more.

In a way I am happy that the shit hit the fan this time, because now the truth is out and I don’t have to carry around the lie and the fear of getting caught. I feel such a sense of relief, and feel excited to finally move out of my house and move on with the next chapter of my life. I’m also going to be meeting with my counselor tomorrow to unpack everything that has happened and to try to unload all of this baggage that I have been carrying around with me for years.

My mother was at least able to somewhat break the cycle of abuse that she suffered from as a child because she did not starve, neglect, molest, or severely abuse us in a physical way. I have gotten over some of the minor physical abuse that I suffered as an adolescent, but for years I haven’t been able to fully move past the emotional abuse. But I am committed to using this latest tirade of hers as a lesson and as a chance for me to move forward in my life. I am going to work as much as I can to ensure that I stamp out every bad habit of mine that is a remnant of her and her mother. I promise that I will fully break the cycle of abuse.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

beri February 12, 2013 at 8:03 am

so sorry…..i am glad you were honest w/ her….no need to hide any longer….no need to fear ….

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