My life is currently in a state of transition. I’m confused and scared, but underneath it I am a little excited. Only time will tell where life is going to take me, but I have a feeling that I am on the path to starting a whole new life.
For 37 years I lived in the same city. I only lived in two houses throughout my whole life-my childhood home and my home as an adult, and each house was only a mile apart from one another. I went to college in the same city that I was born and raised and then turned around and taught in the same school district where I had been taught as a child. I climbed my way up the ladder within the institution and thought that I had finally achieved my dream career as a manager in a department that I had always wanted to work in. For a very long time, I thought I was fulfilling my purpose in life.
Flash forward to 2013, the year that put my life into an upheaval and has subsequently changed my whole perspective on life. I woke up on my birthday to have my life thrown into complete disarray. A loved one was arrested and it put me into a downward spiral of chaos, crisis, depression and betrayal. I accepted the fact that I may have to put my plans of having a child on hold until I was able to get my nerves and health under control again. For the first time in my life, I suffered from brief episodes of suicidal thoughts. Some friends abandoned me while others betrayed me. I can definitely say that 2013 has been the worst year that I have ever experienced in my life.
It has been hard to accept that I feel abandoned and betrayed by so many people in my life. My final straw was last Christmas when not one person, including my parents, called me all week. I had told people how depressed I was and that I had briefly fleeting suicidal thoughts in my head, and not one person in my life had enough compassion to call and check up on me. I can remember the moment clearly when I finally decided that I had enough. I was walking and running the day after Christmas, crying my eyes out, until I finally realized that I have been a caretaker my whole life and that no one was going to caretake me except myself.
Since that moment of clarity, my life has taken a different direction. I am more present in my life and have been evaluating how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. I am learning to cut negativity and chaos out of my life. I am realizing that I have created some unhealthy relationships in my life and I am trying to learn to have more healthy relationships with people. I am getting more active, eating more healthy and engaging in hobbies that I have never even participated in any more. And, I am starting to reevaluate whether my career will take me on a different path.
I have always worked in the school system my entire adult life. It scares me to even think of leaving it because of the stability that it provides. I bring home a pretty healthy paycheck every month. I have good medical insurance and a good retirement. But lately something is just bringing me down and I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I feel like the school system tries to keep me in a box and doesn’t value my innovative thinking. So lately I am starting to explore other options of how I can possibly make a living.
I have been working basically since I was a child. A product of divorce, I started taking care of my family and siblings since I was in the second grade and my mother worked three jobs. I started working full time in high school. I worked full time all through college. My whole life for the past sixteen years has fully centered on my work and I even became a major workaholic at one point. Well, now I am done. I am tired of working so hard and making work the whole center of my life.
I yearn to take a year off and travel the world before I start my new career or a new job in a different institution. Sometimes I wonder if I should quit my job and go to law school. Other times I think that I should quit and just start my own company or companies. But I am scared. I am afraid of failure and the unknown. I have always been stable and I am afraid of instability. But I am also secretly excited.
I am in a state of transition-with my career, my personal relationships, my belief system, my habits, and my physical well being. It is an uncomfortable feeling. I feel constrained and scared of where life will lead me. But I need to remind myself that I am beginning to emerge from the ashes of the devastation of my life over the past year and that no matter what that I will be okay. I just need to let go and try and enjoy the ride to my next destination.