Dreaming Big

by Queen Bee on 02/04/2014

I recently told the counselor that I have been trapped into a life that is void of creativity. I used to be a creative thinker. But now I am stuck in a rut. The counselor told me that this is a topic that I have been bringing up for quite a while, so maybe it is something that I ought to address. She suggested that I dream big about all of the possibilities that I see for my life. If I don’t dream off all my possibilities, then I fully can’t explore all of my options.

I don’t even know what it means to dream big anymore. I can easily try to fantasize about what I might consider to be the perfect life. It sounds like an easy thing to do, but it’s actually kind of tough. I try to form an imagine of my ideal life in my head and I can’t even brainstorm possibilities. I have to force my brain to think of options. My brain starts grasping for straws and random images influenced by movies pop into my mind.

For one brief moment, my ideal life seemed like I would be living in a foreign country somewhere, like Italy or France. I can see my hair blowing in the Tuscan wind. Then at other times I see myself jetting around Mexico City on the subway. Other times I see myself in a cute house with a pool, and I am working from home.

It’s hard for me to really know what I want out of my life for the next few years. It’s accurate to say that I am sort of bored with my current life. I need to shake things up a bit. I need some change.

Most of fantasies are so random. But the common theme that seems to run through them is freedom. And independence. In my fantasies, no matter where I am and what I am doing, I am doing exactly what I want to do and when and how I want to do it. I wake up when I want. I work from my computer or by my pool. I work on projects that I want to work on. I take extended breaks to live a quiet life.

So just how I am going to get myself to the point of such freedom is going to be a little more difficult to determine. But at least I know what I am aiming for. If I keep my eye on the prize, I am bound to reach my destination.

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Life in Transition

by Queen Bee on 01/26/2014

My life is currently in a state of transition. I’m confused and scared, but underneath it I am a little excited. Only time will tell where life is going to take me, but I have a feeling that I am on the path to starting a whole new life.

For 37 years I lived in the same city. I only lived in two houses throughout my whole life-my childhood home and my home as an adult, and each house was only a mile apart from one another. I went to college in the same city that I was born and raised and then turned around and taught in the same school district where I had been taught as a child. I climbed my way up the ladder within the institution and thought that I had finally achieved my dream career as a manager in a department that I had always wanted to work in. For a very long time, I thought I was fulfilling my purpose in life.

Flash forward to 2013, the year that put my life into an upheaval and has subsequently changed my whole perspective on life. I woke up on my birthday to have my life thrown into complete disarray. A loved one was arrested and it put me into a downward spiral of chaos, crisis, depression and betrayal. I accepted the fact that I may have to put my plans of having a child on hold until I was able to get my nerves and health under control again. For the first time in my life, I suffered from brief episodes of suicidal thoughts. Some friends abandoned me while others betrayed me. I can definitely say that 2013 has been the worst year that I have ever experienced in my life.

It has been hard to accept that I feel abandoned and betrayed by so many people in my life. My final straw was last Christmas when not one person, including my parents, called me all week. I had told people how depressed I was and that I had briefly fleeting suicidal thoughts in my head, and not one person in my life had enough compassion to call and check up on me. I can remember the moment clearly when I finally decided that I had enough. I was walking and running the day after Christmas, crying my eyes out, until I finally realized that I have been a caretaker my whole life and that no one was going to caretake me except myself.

Since that moment of clarity, my life has taken a different direction. I am more present in my life and have been evaluating how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. I am learning to cut negativity and chaos out of my life. I am realizing that I have created some unhealthy relationships in my life and I am trying to learn to have more healthy relationships with people. I am getting more active, eating more healthy and engaging in hobbies that I have never even participated in any more. And, I am starting to reevaluate whether my career will take me on a different path.

I have always worked in the school system my entire adult life. It scares me to even think of leaving it because of the stability that it provides. I bring home a pretty healthy paycheck every month. I have good medical insurance and a good retirement. But lately something is just bringing me down and I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I feel like the school system tries to keep me in a box and doesn’t value my innovative thinking. So lately I am starting to explore other options of how I can possibly make a living.

I have been working basically since I was a child. A product of divorce, I started taking care of my family and siblings since I was in the second grade and my mother worked three jobs. I started working full time in high school. I worked full time all through college. My whole life for the past sixteen years has fully centered on my work and I even became a major workaholic at one point. Well, now I am done. I am tired of working so hard and making work the whole center of my life.

I yearn to take a year off and travel the world before I start my new career or a new job in a different institution. Sometimes I wonder if I should quit my job and go to law school. Other times I think that I should quit and just start my own company or companies. But I am scared. I am afraid of failure and the unknown. I have always been stable and I am afraid of instability. But I am also secretly excited.

I am in a state of transition-with my career, my personal relationships, my belief system, my habits, and my physical well being. It is an uncomfortable feeling. I feel constrained and scared of where life will lead me. But I need to remind myself that I am beginning to emerge from the ashes of the devastation of my life over the past year and that no matter what that I will be okay. I just need to let go and try and enjoy the ride to my next destination.

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The Things I “Can” Control

June 18, 2013

There’s not a lot that I can control in my life lately. Over the past couple of months I have been going through a tremendous amount of stress in my life. I faced a huge loss two months ago, and every week another crisis happened as a result. Two weeks ago I was royally betrayed […]

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Super Handywoman

May 10, 2013

I bought a house 16 years ago that was in tip top condition. And then I never lifted a finger to maintain anything and it sort of fell apart a little. I was afraid to make any changes or upgrades, and was intimidated by working on anything on the house. A month ago I woke […]

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Home Improvement? Yes, I Can!

March 21, 2013

In my last blog post, I whined about the process of moving that I am currently going through and about how no one has really helped me. Well, not much has changed since I wrote about that, although my friend Francisco did come one day to move some furniture and my sister in law came […]

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My, Myself and I

March 18, 2013

Sometimes being an independent woman really sucks. Or an independent person, regardless of gender. Today is one of those days where I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself that I generally have had no one to depend on throughout my life besides me, myself and I. But as I type that, deep down in […]

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Happiness and Gratitude

March 8, 2013

Last week I visited the counselor that I have been seeing for the past six months and we talked about gratitude and happiness. I’ve been attending couples counseling for the past six months with her, and lately it seems that she wants to meet with me because it seems that some of the baggage that […]

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Blogging About Health and Fitness

February 19, 2013

A couple of years ago, I had a walking blog on the blogspot network in order to encourage me to exercise and be healthy. I’ve always loved to walk but somewhere along the line I fell off the wagon and stopped walking and exercising. I’ve written a little about exercising on this blog, but I’ve […]

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Living Like I’m on a Vacation

February 18, 2013

A couple of months ago, I was preparing for an upcoming trip to Mexico and began searching for information on Mayan ruins online. I found an interesting blog about a man who was exploring Mexico and other countries in pursuit of Mayan ruins, but what caught my attention the most was a post that he […]

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My Crazy Mommy Dearest

February 11, 2013

I’m not scared of much in life, but I am scared shitless of my mother. Every year that I turn one year closer to 40, I hope that my fear of her will subside. But it never does. I’m afraid that she is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It’s not […]

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