Letter to My Younger Self

by Queen Bee on 04/11/2020

Little did you know but the moment that you met him when you were just 14 years old, you would spend so many years playing out patterns that led to unhealthy relationships. Back then all you wanted was to be loved. You allowed him to emotionally abuse you, to cheat on you, to take money from you. For years you allowed yourself to be abused by having sex with him while he didn’t even bother to kiss you. You just wanted to be loved but what you did was allow him to tear down your self esteem.

What you didn’t know back then was that nothing of it was really worth it. Over 20 years later you would hardly even remember much about him. You didn’t know back then but the me of today wishes that you wouldn’t have spent so much time on someone who clearly didn’t deserve your love or attention. You didn’t know back then but you would grow up to be very successful and you would meet him again when you were 40 and he’d still be in the same kind of lifestyle that he was back then. You probably couldn’t even imagine that 20 or 30 years later that you would be grateful that you weren’t with him and that you didn’t have a child with him ever.

In fact, when you were in the middle of being with him, you also didn’t know that he taught you so much about what isn’t good for you that although you would grow up to repeat some patterns with allowing men to disrespect you that you would eventually be grateful that you learned such valuable lessons about what you don’t want in your life in your future.

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Dreaming Big

by Queen Bee on 02/04/2014

I recently told the counselor that I have been trapped into a life that is void of creativity. I used to be a creative thinker. But now I am stuck in a rut. The counselor told me that this is a topic that I have been bringing up for quite a while, so maybe it is something that I ought to address. She suggested that I dream big about all of the possibilities that I see for my life. If I don’t dream off all my possibilities, then I fully can’t explore all of my options.

I don’t even know what it means to dream big anymore. I can easily try to fantasize about what I might consider to be the perfect life. It sounds like an easy thing to do, but it’s actually kind of tough. I try to form an imagine of my ideal life in my head and I can’t even brainstorm possibilities. I have to force my brain to think of options. My brain starts grasping for straws and random images influenced by movies pop into my mind.

For one brief moment, my ideal life seemed like I would be living in a foreign country somewhere, like Italy or France. I can see my hair blowing in the Tuscan wind. Then at other times I see myself jetting around Mexico City on the subway. Other times I see myself in a cute house with a pool, and I am working from home.

It’s hard for me to really know what I want out of my life for the next few years. It’s accurate to say that I am sort of bored with my current life. I need to shake things up a bit. I need some change.

Most of fantasies are so random. But the common theme that seems to run through them is freedom. And independence. In my fantasies, no matter where I am and what I am doing, I am doing exactly what I want to do and when and how I want to do it. I wake up when I want. I work from my computer or by my pool. I work on projects that I want to work on. I take extended breaks to live a quiet life.

So just how I am going to get myself to the point of such freedom is going to be a little more difficult to determine. But at least I know what I am aiming for. If I keep my eye on the prize, I am bound to reach my destination.

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Life in Transition

January 26, 2014

My life is currently in a state of transition. I’m confused and scared, but underneath it I am a little excited. Only time will tell where life is going to take me, but I have a feeling that I am on the path to starting a whole new life. For 37 years I lived in […]

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The Things I “Can” Control

June 18, 2013

There’s not a lot that I can control in my life lately. Over the past couple of months I have been going through a tremendous amount of stress in my life. I faced a huge loss two months ago, and every week another crisis happened as a result. Two weeks ago I was royally betrayed […]

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Super Handywoman

May 10, 2013

I bought a house 16 years ago that was in tip top condition. And then I never lifted a finger to maintain anything and it sort of fell apart a little. I was afraid to make any changes or upgrades, and was intimidated by working on anything on the house. A month ago I woke […]

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Home Improvement? Yes, I Can!

March 21, 2013

In my last blog post, I whined about the process of moving that I am currently going through and about how no one has really helped me. Well, not much has changed since I wrote about that, although my friend Francisco did come one day to move some furniture and my sister in law came […]

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My, Myself and I

March 18, 2013

Sometimes being an independent woman really sucks. Or an independent person, regardless of gender. Today is one of those days where I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself that I generally have had no one to depend on throughout my life besides me, myself and I. But as I type that, deep down in […]

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Happiness and Gratitude

March 8, 2013

Last week I visited the counselor that I have been seeing for the past six months and we talked about gratitude and happiness. I’ve been attending couples counseling for the past six months with her, and lately it seems that she wants to meet with me because it seems that some of the baggage that […]

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Blogging About Health and Fitness

February 19, 2013

A couple of years ago, I had a walking blog on the blogspot network in order to encourage me to exercise and be healthy. I’ve always loved to walk but somewhere along the line I fell off the wagon and stopped walking and exercising. I’ve written a little about exercising on this blog, but I’ve […]

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Living Like I’m on a Vacation

February 18, 2013

A couple of months ago, I was preparing for an upcoming trip to Mexico and began searching for information on Mayan ruins online. I found an interesting blog about a man who was exploring Mexico and other countries in pursuit of Mayan ruins, but what caught my attention the most was a post that he […]

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